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It just feels so terrible. My results are back-sliding, Iapos;m losing my focus and I am getting very emotional. What a day to begin the week- receiving my Chemistry test result was a damp to my mood. Itapos;s something that I did study for, although not accomplishing much revision. I guess Mummy was right, Iapos;m just too over-confident and this perhaps, serves as a good wake up call.

This entire two weeks were well spent, not in the sense of academics, but in the sense of leisure enjoyment. Itapos;s been long since I really get down to doing my work seriously and I just wanna kill myself for having too much fun lately, thereby neglecting my priorities. I really enjoyed the days but that definitely comes with a price to pay- academics. My grades are really bad, and I know the upcoming tests marks arenapos;t gonna be any better. To make things worst, Final Examinations are commencing on next Friday (two papers on that day), immediately after the last day of school on Thursday. Time to study? NO. Thereapos;s still quite a bit of syllabus to get through, a number of tests lined up, projects to be completed and everything else. Damn, I am really dead.

Itapos;s perhaps too late to be complaining. I do know that rambling here is pointless, but I just need an avenue to de-stress before getting back to my work.

By the way, it totally annoys me when people deny about their revision progress. Like come on, for whatever reasons? And donapos;t you come doubting me when I say "I havenapos;t study", because I do mean that. Ask my dear friends if you guys serious doubts about it. SHIT YOU

When was the last time I really studied? A month ago, no exaggeration.

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Wow So, itapos;s the morning after the awards banquet at the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles and Iapos;m still giddy after discovering that NIGHTMARE ACADEMY 1: MONSTER HUNTERS won "Best Childrenapos;s Novel of the Year" from the SCIBA.

The Southern California Independent Booksellers Association has been so supportive of the NIGHTMARE ACADEMY series and I genuinely like and respect all these great booksellers. Iapos;ve been doing lots of school events through wonderful independent stores like VROMANapos;S, BOOK SOUP, MYSTERIOUS GALAXY, MRS. NELSONapos;S and DARK DELICACIES and I plan on doing a bunch more soon. I can always be reached at dean@deanlorey.com if anyone would like to set up additional events.

The awards banquet was huge fun and I got to hang out with some old friends and meet some cool new people. P.J. Haarsma (who writes the SOFTWIRE series) and D.J. MacHale (who writes PENDRAGON) were both great guys who Iapos;d met before and it was nice to get to spend some real time with them. I also got to see Jim Jennewein and Tom Parker, whose first book RUNEWARRIORS just came out. David Benioff (CITY OF THIEVES) was really cool and it turns out we both have a ridiculous fondness for John Carpenterapos;s movie THEY LIVE. I also had a lot of laughs with Dorothea Benton Frank, who writes the LOWCOUNTRY TALES series. Sheapos;s hilarious.

Anyway, it was a great time and winning this award was just a wonderful surprise. The other surprise was that a bunch of folks referenced stuff Iapos;d said in my blog and I realized that some people actually READ this thing I donapos;t know why that came as such a shock but... Hello everyone. :)

So, thanks again to all who voted Truly. Now Iapos;m all fired up to get back to writing...

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why am i sad always.
why cant i just be happy?
there are people like me that are happy. Are they just too stupid to know that people just laugh at them and whisper things about them behind their backs?
i feel like everything that is a part of me is just being stripped completely away.
I used to be thin and pretty, desirable... Now im just some fat whore that shows too much cleavage and wears clothes that draw too much attention to herself.
Why cant i be good at taking pictures. Why does my own husband flaunt that hes better than me just to keep me feeling like shit. I just want to be encouraged. I want my own parents to say what i do is nice. I want someone to tell me im pretty. Not that i clean up okay when i want to. Not that what makes me happy (photography) is just a waste of money.
i want someone to see that im not some silly girl, someone to see that maybe somewhere in me im good at something. Maybe i need someone to show me. Maybe im not good at anything.
maybe im just going to keep getting more fat and more ugly and just see everyone around me surpassing me in life and skill, hobbies while i just get closer to dying. In just about any belief system its a sin to commit suicide but i suppose its not a sin if you dont believe huh.
i was supposed to be the girl that went away to college and made something of herself.
i was supposed to be the girl that got married and was happy.
My own husband cant look at me. Im just a hole to fuck.

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Yay, yay, the week is almost over.

Tomorrow night will be fun- I dragooned my brother into coming out to my place and going to a comedy show at a bar nearby- it should be quite fun, and a nice change of pace.�

My vacation canapos;t come soon enough.� Iapos;m so tired of work, even on good days.�

We got in half our christmas shipment.� I very wisely shoved everything into a dark corner, because we still have two holidays to get through before I want to inflict christmas on people...� That, and all the stuff screams of Lindaapos;s tastes.� Our christmas will be bronze and chocolate brown, and absolutely everything seems to have either sequins or crystals.�� Oh, yes, itapos;ll look stunning, different, tasteful and interesting, idea provoking and classy, but I donapos;t want to have anything to do with it.� Probably in part because this week Lindaapos;s delivered everything with a tone of "MINE�MINE�MINE�MINE�MINE."� I�keep (deliberately)�forgetting that sheapos;s a control freak.�

I�got delicious panera bread yesterday.� Zak tried to steal it from me.� Apparently he likes sourdough bread in addition to potatoe chips and parmasan cheese.� Why couldapos;t he like catnip or something?

Oh, and I learned today that the barbie doll chick who lives in my building is, lo and behold, a wedding coordinator at some downtown hotel.� Guess I�have to put more effort into that making friends thing...

I am so looking forward to sunday, when Iapos;ll wake up, look around, and crawl back into bed for several more hours, curled up in a foetal position under deliciously warm blankets and blissfully divorced from all things resembling obligations.


�


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